“You were the greatest boyfriend. I loved Big Guy. But then you lost weight, and you got mean. You stopped listening to me, you changed completely, you stopped paying for my dinner… Look, I loved Big Guy with all my heart. But I have no interest in helping the guy who’s standing in front of me now. …I hate your hair.”

At least I’m not 23, at least I own a trashcan, at least I can legally rent a car, at least I don’t live in a loft with three… at least I live with you guys.

I brake for birds. I rock a lot of polka dots. I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours. I spend my entire day talking to children, and I find it fundamentally strange that you’re not a dessert person, that’s just weird and it freaks me out! And I’m sorry I don’t talk like Murphy Brown, and I hate your pant suit, I wish it had ribbons on it or something to make it just slightly cuter. And that doesn’t mean I’m not smart, and tough, and strong! And my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch!